There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
