she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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