You're so nebulous sometimes
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
