ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
