Moan for me like Helen Keller
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
