I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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