He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
