So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
