Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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