I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
