i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
