are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
