Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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