As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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