he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
