Your face is a jimmy john
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Randomize
