When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
