i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
