I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
