eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
