You're my little dorito
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Randomize
