Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
