Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
