Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
