One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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