My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
