Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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