you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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