Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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