everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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