mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
