i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Randomize
