just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
