I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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