Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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