I'm jealous of your bromance
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
