you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
