It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
