so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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