Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
