NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
