I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
