btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
