i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
