with your own penis?
Girls should come with a carfax report
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
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