I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
