Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
