tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
