Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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