Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
