I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
